A Quiet Brain
It’s been a bit over three days since I’ve had an alter front. I (Zari) have always felt the closest to what I’d describe Skylar as anyway, so honestly it’s been not been a huge shift as far as my day-to day goes. The biggest shift?
My head is so quiet.
Headspace, once a clearly visible and busy place with the others trudging around, chiming in with commentary about what I’m up to, is silent and feels more distant than ever.
I’ve had headspace as long as I can remember.
For so long I would’ve given anything for my brain to be this peaceful and focused on what I need to do in the short term. But now? It feels like loss. grief. mourning.
Like I’ve lost enormous parts of myself I was just getting to know and embrace.
Comfort objects, hobbies, coping mechanisms, dysphorias and euphorias, suddenly absent.
I worry I made a bad decision, that I won’t be able to reverse this when I decide I’m ready – I’ve always believed that our brains surface things when we’re ready for them and I overrode that.
Was this all about prioritizing the comfort of others to the detriment of my well-being?
I don’t think that’s a question I’ll be able to answer any time soon. I just have to move forward.
this is about
Mental Health- before this i wrote: On Being Multiple
- after this i wrote: Plural Again