On Finishing Outpatient Care
I just finished a Partial Hospitalization Program at Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital in Nashville, TN. It was three weeks of group therapy and skills classes from 9am to 3pm, Monday through Friday. It was an incredible but intense experience, with a lot of growth, reframing, trauma processing, and learning about myself.
Upon completing the program, you do something called Rock Ceremony, in which you are presented a painted rock with a kind message and it's passed around the room and everyone says kind words for you. After everyone else speaks – it's your turn. I pre-wrote my remarks because I knew I'd struggle with what to say in the moment. I decided to publish them here:
The first couple rock ceremonies I sat through I really thought to myself "This is sort of cringe, and I don't know if I believe these people have had such transformative change in their time here" I'm sort of a jaded person, I've tried a lot of things for my mental health over the years and never seen the progress I wanted. I wasn't sure I belonged here, that group therapy would help me.
So I don't have some wildly impassioned speech about how I've overcome a ton of obsticles, and how amazing this has been. But I have what I think I am beginning to realize is a much more inspiring and practical message:
This program has given me many tools, and the space and structure to learn to care for myself such that every day, I work to be a slightly better version of myself than the day before. And the next day I'll do the same.
I always wanted some big, dramatic change and then poof I'd be healed and fully-idealized and happy. Seeking those sorts of solutions held me back from doing the hard, nitty-gritty, day-to-day reframing it takes to change the momentum of your thoughts and feelings.
You have to show up, every day. You have to speak up, every day. You have to be vulnerable with yourself and others, every day. That's the real work of this program, not sitting and listening and taking notes, which is all really great. So many therapy skills feel like they're not that impactful on paper – and that's true. A lot of these things are things we've read elsewhere, or heard a million times. The difference is in learning how to apply them in your real life. That's the test.
So that's what it's time for me to go do – take all of the lessons I've learned from the phenomenal social workers here who put in extremely hard work every day to care for us and teach us things, the lessons from you all – my peers – who've offered more than just support, but practical help in figuring out what my values and goals are for my future – and apply it. Integrate them and figure out a new way of living that works better for me and provides a more authentic and healthy life.
If you're new here, you probably feel like I did at the beginning of my speech – unsure if you'll be able to sit here and confidently state you're in a better place. I want you to know that I personally have full faith in you, as long as you do the work. Engage. Listen actively. Offer feedback based on your life experiences. Talk through your struggles – you'll be surprised how often you realize you think about things differently in the middle of telling a story.
This entirely-too-longwinded speech has been a huge thank you, but let me say it clearly: Thank You to the staff of this program, to Vanderbilt for funding and believing in it, and for my peers for engaging critically with me – it's all meant so much more than I could say in the last 527 words.
I really am so thankful for this program. Tomorrow I see my new DID therapist, and I am beyond excited. Forward I go.
- before this i wrote: A New Start