Acquiring a Comfort Object
A large part of my work in therapy lately has been to identify a way I judge others, then considering if it should impact how I view someone and deconstructing why I have that judgment.
During a YouTube video about managing anxiety I was watching recently, someone showed all their Squishmallows and shared how helpful having a cozy object could be when they felt overwhelmed. I wanted to be receptive to the idea, but just couldn't.
I've always judged people who have interests I consider childish. I mentioned this aversion in therapy as something I'd like to work on, so we spent a couple of sessions talking about it. I've since written privately about it, many of these insights are pulled from those writings.
As a child, when I began to show my naturally feminine expression and interests, most of it was immediately shut down. What I was able to sneak past was layered with judgment and condescension from my family, church congregation, peers at school, and sometimes teachers as well.
I couldn't get the toys or games I wanted, or go see the friends I wanted. I couldn't read the books I wanted. I couldn't listen to the music I wanted. I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted. I couldn't love who I wanted.
As a result, I pursued computers, software development, and isolation instead of toys, games, and going outside. I stopped watching animated media, and I still can't manage to enjoy it most of the time. I spent most of my time (outside of school and church) online chatting with adults. I chose not having a childhood over having the wrong childhood.
In an attempt to change my judgment, I decided to take a leap of faith and order a Squishmallow for myself. I felt embarrassed.
Some friends in Discord have many plushes, so I posted my order there, anxious that they'd judge me. Of course, they were excited for me! When it finally arrived and I held it for the first time, nearly all of the shame I felt was gone.
I really get it now! There's something to the softness of the fabric, the density of the filling, and the cute designs that comforts you. I immediately ordered two more - one of which was the comically-large 24-inch size, which turns out to be an excellent floor pillow. I sleep with one every night now, and I feel holding onto it during therapy has helped me discuss difficult topics.
I'm increasingly learning that having good sensory input on hand is helpful for making it though bad sensory input. Carrying my fidget toys, headphones, and a plush around can make things a lot more bearable.
That isn't to say there isn't any judgment in my brain still, I can't yet change that quickly. I'm working to truly convince myself that reclaiming these parts of childhood isn't a cringe excuse for age regression as a coping mechanism, but actually a tool to re-contextualize my trauma and find healing.
I also struggle to get past this "suck it up and desensitize yourself to the world" mentality. I know some amount of that is healthy, and I need to push myself, but too much is how I ended up so burnt out. It doesn't help that we're all feeling some of these anti-social tendencies because of COVID and having to isolate for so long. I need to figure out new ways to do things that are sustainable for me over the long-term. If that means wearing headphones while I cook, well, I can handle that!
Right now, I've only really spoken of this to a couple friends and my partner. I'll need to do some more deconstruction of that judgment before doing something like taking a plush on a flight or to my in-laws. I know I'm capable of doing it, I just have to.
I wonder what other preconceived notions I have that are wildly wrong? What other 'childish' things would I love? It's an area of exploration that I'm not comfortable with, but one I think will ultimately bring me comfort.
postscript:
I'm about to go to my in-laws this weekend, actually. I wrote this in early September, and now I'm realizing I didn't do that deconstruction work I was supposed to. Shit.
- before this i wrote: A Journey to Medication
- after this i wrote: On Getting Better