notes

landed in costa rica, on my way to our airbnb!! so excited to settle (and nap. i got 4 hours of sleep and have been up since 2:30am woof)

at our gate waiting to board! gonna be a long travel day but i’m so excited to get to costa rica!

house is completely empty and locked up, off to Chicago for our flight in the early morning. had a good cry about it all, i will miss our home so much.

i don’t know that homeownership will be a thing that happens for us again, and the stability was so nice and rare.

also notably we haven’t sold the house yet, so that’s stressful.

sold our car today 😭 gonna miss her so much. house is basically empty, it’s all so sad.

realizing i have to return my Embr Wave that I subscribe to and pay full price for one – when I’ve more than paid for one in monthly fees hurts a bit heh

i’m not not having a mental breakdown? i’m physically nauseous from the perpetual anxiety of moving, and keep dissociating and being unable to focus on getting anything done ugh.

i miss therapy but genuinely could not justify the cost anymore 😔

i am now at a place where i keep Signal, iMessage, and WhatsApp open on my computer and gosh is that annoying as hell

So much cleaning got done today! Really starting to settle in that this is actually happening like, soon. Extremely mixed feelings about it, if I’m honest.

having DID is fucking wild because i just found a half hour long voice note from last night where four of us fronted and you can literally hear different voices for each of us and it’s so obvious when we switch and i have no memory of any of it

posted our gaming computer and accessories on facebook marketplace to get rid of them 😭 people are so cheap even though i priced everything sooooo affordably. they’re good deals!!

traffic today was so awful, and there was a train stopped on the tracks making it challenging to cross town to get home. so frustrating!!

A week from today we’ll be in Costa Rica. That’s wild to think about — and also horrifying because there is still sooooo much to do. We’ll get it done though! 😅

traveled to costa rica on bumble ahead of our move next week (!!) and omg so many hot people help me

a last minute house showing came up today in a few hours and things are a wreck because we've been packing and cleaning out old things, now I have to panic clean and get the house ready. I really needed a fairly chill day today.

and i'm a day late on my injection ugh.

actually deactivated our bluesky, it's done. scared about feeling too disconnected, but also that's sort of what i need.

i have this super fun part of my OCD where i get like, stuck on the idea of killing myself even though i’m not actually suicidal at all? but i just spiral over and over thinking about the idea even though there’s actually no real threat? it’s distressing but not actionable and i hate it so much.

I have so much work to be doing to get ready for my move in… eleven days 😅 Definitely not stressed the fuck out at all, which isn’t helping my lack of motivation 🙃

Apple not providing a built-in way to call their emoji picker UI is so frustrating – every developer has to implement their own non-standard UI for emoji reactions! I've been toying around with different methods and am ultimately just going to have to have a file with every single emoji in it with keywords for search... and that's so gross.

okay, guess we're plural again? aimee and ethan both fronted today. well, i'm ethan and i'm fronting right now. not sure what's going on, a bit unsettled by all the change.

i brought back the notes feature here because i've become a bit disillusioned with bluesky's moderation lately – they're going after trans people for extremely minor infractions and it's made me think about my relationship with social media some.

i am bad about doomscrolling, and letting things get to me. i want to post here more. talk about the music i'm listening to, my move, share photos. i imported all of my historical posts (minus replies and quotes) from bluesky here for posterity's sake.

we'll see if i can follow through.

i miss ethan so much

a major downside of basically losing my plurality for the moment is that i am unmotivated to work on the system tracking app i was daily driving

not to mention one of the others enjoyed development work more than me. i'd rather read or write things.

but it was really getting good! bummer.

just did an estrogen injection thinking it was shot day and i did one on sunday… whoops this’ll be fun 🙃

i’ve managed to get sucked into a novel for the first time in years (i’m generally a nonfiction girlie) and it’s nice to know my ability to visualize environments i read about in detail hasn’t gone away. it’s like a whole ass movie in my head still

sort of wild that i just convinced the other alters to go away and they did? like i haven’t switched in 2 days? it feels so fucking weird? mental health fixed?

i’ve changed a lot about how i’m looking at my plurality, and figured it best to elaborate for y’all’s sake:

https://skylar.cc/on-being-multiple/

it’s actually super cool to get sick like two weeks before i move that won’t be inconvenient for me at all 🙃

i'd rather set my internal world on fire than continue to exist in an external one that has no room for who i really am

people who are too scared to self-actualize blaming it on those who have the gall to do so, what else is new

my gender keeps circling around to "muscle femboy" and i am scared and excited by this

who the fuck let us schedule two hours of therapy, an hour with our psychiatrist, and an hour of DBT group in the same day we are so tireddddd

been wearing my binder more lately and feeling good about myself 🥰

iPadOS: floating windows with a menu bar, full keyboard and trackpad support, literally running on a M3

also iPadOS: cannot play a TV show and a video on Bluesky at the same time