On Getting Better
It has been a whirlwind of a month for me.
I started anxiety medication two months ago, and an antidepressant two weeks ago. The reduction in anxiety has been extremely noticeable, it's been wonderful. The antidepressant has been a bit tough - it's an SSRI which I've historically struggled to onboard to, but I have ondansetron this time to help get rid of nausea, which is helping some.
I also decided to stop using cannabis after an intense discussion with my therapist - I hadn't told her of my daily use for the last 5 years or so. Finally coming clean and having to confront the negative impacts it's had on me was tough! I'm a month (and change) sober and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I definitely miss it on a daily basis, but the improvements make it fairly easy to not go back.
These serious changes have enabled the following this month:
- A trip to my in-laws where my partner came out as transgender
- Date night with my wife for the first time in literal years
- Getting manicures with my wife (her first ever!)
- Going to the gym every day
- Making a new resume and applying to multiple jobs
- Finished reading 2 books I've wanted to read for years
- Volunteering to set up my city's pride festival
- Attending the pride festival, a drag show, and after party at a bar
- Started group therapy with a group of trans women
This is more social interaction than I've had in literal years, and I honestly don't feel all that overwhelmed by it? I woke up this morning after being out all night and even managed to make it to the gym for a good workout!
There's a small part of me, however, that misses the depression, the sitting around stoned all day, the lack of drama and emotions. It's really easy to romanticize the ease of doing poorly. Building a life from scratch is a challenge, having to figure out what you want as you go along.
Getting better isn't a linear process, and I really struggle with any small downturn. My instinct is to embrace that failure, internalize it as a fundamental part of myself, and sink back into depression and isolation.
I deserve better than that. I can do better than that.
- before this i wrote: Acquiring a Comfort Object
- after this i wrote: The Dissonance of Trans Existence