Standing Up For Yourself is Good, Actually
I've always been a people-pleaser. My natural inclination is going along with the flow to avoid conflict - especially when my family is concerned. In other contexts, I'm pretty opinionated and willing to stand up for myself or others. Why is this such a blind spot for me?
This is something I've been working on in therapy - trying to convince my brain what lies on the other side is better than the indecision and abuse I currently endure takes a lot, as much as writing that sentence makes it glaringly obvious that it shouldn't be.
I've made progress, recently setting some hard boundaries with people in my life that I should have six years ago. It was such a difficult and uncomfortable conversation, but I feel so much better for pushing through and having it.
It really is better to not have someone in your life than to have them in a fake second life you create for their comfort.
I got to say things I've been thinking for over a decade, let out (reasonable and deserved) anger, and answered so many 'what-if' questions stuck in my head. So far, my time without them has been peaceful.
There are still moments where I think I made a mistake, don't get me wrong. I'm a lot more lonely now, something that's already been heavy for me lately. However, the space that they took up in my life (and all the emotional energy I spent) is now available for people who love me, the real me.
I'm excited to meet those people.
- before this i wrote: A Personal Blog, in 2023? Groundbreaking.
- after this i wrote: Dysphoria Whack-a-Mole