a last minute house showing came up today in a few hours and things are a wreck because we've been packing and cleaning out old things, now I have to panic clean and get the house ready. I really needed a fairly chill day today.
and i'm a day late on my injection ugh.
actually deactivated our bluesky, it's done. scared about feeling too disconnected, but also that's sort of what i need.
i have this super fun part of my OCD where i get like, stuck on the idea of killing myself even though i’m not actually suicidal at all? but i just spiral over and over thinking about the idea even though there’s actually no real threat? it’s distressing but not actionable and i hate it so much.
I have so much work to be doing to get ready for my move in… eleven days 😅 Definitely not stressed the fuck out at all, which isn’t helping my lack of motivation 🙃
Apple not providing a built-in way to call their emoji picker UI is so frustrating – every developer has to implement their own non-standard UI for emoji reactions! I've been toying around with different methods and am ultimately just going to have to have a file with every single emoji in it with keywords for search... and that's so gross.
okay, guess we're plural again? aimee and ethan both fronted today. well, i'm ethan and i'm fronting right now. not sure what's going on, a bit unsettled by all the change.
most likely going back to posting on my website primarily, and i backed up all my bluesky posts there also:
i brought back the notes feature here because i've become a bit disillusioned with bluesky's moderation lately – they're going after trans people for extremely minor infractions and it's made me think about my relationship with social media some.
i am bad about doomscrolling, and letting things get to me. i want to post here more. talk about the music i'm listening to, my move, share photos. i imported all of my historical posts (minus replies and quotes) from bluesky here for posterity's sake.
we'll see if i can follow through.
i miss ethan so much
a major downside of basically losing my plurality for the moment is that i am unmotivated to work on the system tracking app i was daily driving
not to mention one of the others enjoyed development work more than me. i'd rather read or write things.
but it was really getting good! bummer.
just did an estrogen injection thinking it was shot day and i did one on sunday… whoops this’ll be fun 🙃
i’ve managed to get sucked into a novel for the first time in years (i’m generally a nonfiction girlie) and it’s nice to know my ability to visualize environments i read about in detail hasn’t gone away. it’s like a whole ass movie in my head still
sort of wild that i just convinced the other alters to go away and they did? like i haven’t switched in 2 days? it feels so fucking weird? mental health fixed?
i’ve changed a lot about how i’m looking at my plurality, and figured it best to elaborate for y’all’s sake:
https://skylar.cc/on-being-multiple/
it’s actually super cool to get sick like two weeks before i move that won’t be inconvenient for me at all 🙃
i'd rather set my internal world on fire than continue to exist in an external one that has no room for who i really am
so afraid of being perceived as a detransitioner if i take our presentation too masculine, don’t really know what to do about it other than try to explain the nuances of our experience bleh
amab trans man only kind of joking
people who are too scared to self-actualize blaming it on those who have the gall to do so, what else is new
my gender keeps circling around to "muscle femboy" and i am scared and excited by this
who the fuck let us schedule two hours of therapy, an hour with our psychiatrist, and an hour of DBT group in the same day we are so tireddddd